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The Wiki Witch
"The Wiki Witch" is the 6th episode of Once Upon a Virus. Summary With Joe in jail, Joanna Seer pays him a visit in order to offer her services as a lawyer, promising to prove his innocence, but not necessarily in any conventional manner. Meanwhile, Justine's wedding to Ben fast approaches and Rena realizes this may be his last chance to proclaim his love for the blonde beauty. And in the Wikia world that was, after her mother's death, DeviousPeep is launched on a quest to find her way to Our World. Plot A little girl with deep red hair is seen being tucked into bed by her mother, BelleLover, who dresses similar to the adult DeviousPeep. "Mommy," says young Peep, "Will you read me a bed time story?" "Well of course, sweetheart," BelleLover replies, extending her arm and making a chair appear from downstairs with magic; she sits in it, and her daughter asks if she'll be needing a book. "Oh no, I don't need a book for this story – I know it off by heart, as do you." "Yay!" Peep exclaims, "This is my favorite." Her mother strokes her hair as it rests down on the pillow, and she prepares to speak: "Once upon a time, there was a coven of witches living on a far off land known as Earth. However, the local villagers didn't respond well to their glorious spells and experiments. They found it… ungodly. They would kill one of the witches and the witches would kill one of them; it was a messy blood feud. Anyway, one day, the villagers lured the witches into a vicious trap. Under the pretence of a truce, they used the limited technology of their era to trap the witches, making sure they could never get back to Earth again. That technology, of course, later evolved into what the mortals refer to as the internet, but this is how we ended up in the land we're in now. We can travel between them, of course, with relative ease… but getting back to Earth is a whole other matter. That's why we've been developing our magic for the centuries we've been trapped here. I am stronger than my mother before me, and she was stronger than her mother, and one day, my little Peep, you will be one of the most powerful witches that ever lived." Peep smiles. "One day," Belle continues, "Our magic will be strong enough to return to that realm, and then our true work will begin. We will take our revenge on the mortals, and we shall enslave them. We shall rule over them forevermore, as is our birthright." "Mommy," Peep says, putting her hand on Belle's, "I promise, I'm gonna make it back to Earth. I don't care how long it takes; I will fulfill our legacy." Belle smiles, and tells her daughter to keep dreaming; she gives her a kiss on the forehead, ceases any light with her magic, and melts into a puddle of blood in order to exit the room. Peep uses her own magic to restore some of the light, and she vows to herself, "I will make it back to Earth. I will!" Joanna Seer stands firmly in Our World as she approaches Josh King's mayoral office; she knocks on the door, and Josh answers. She barges in without so much as a welcome, ignoring Valentina, who sits at her desk, and states outright, "I know this whole sexual harassment debacle is a sham." "Excuse me?" says Josh. "Your PA, I know Joseph Kahn never tried to rape her. But what I'd like to know is what your reasons are behind framing him. I have a theory, but I daren't say it out loud," she says. "How dare you?!" Val exclaims, standing up, ""I have gone through a very deep and personal trau—" "Yes, yes, dear. Hush," Joanna says, raising a hand, and Val finds herself sitting back down, "And, may I just say, your acting was rather extravagant – but it was just that, wasn't it? Acting." Val doesn't reply, and Joanna turns back to Josh. "That's enough," he says, "You cannot just barge in here and start accu—" "I've always been able to tell when you're lying," she says. Josh looks confused, "We hardly know each other, Nurse Seer." She laughs, "Of course, of course… but still… the longer I stand here the more I think my theory is correct." She begins to leave, but before she does, she turns to Josh and whispers, "Oh, and regarding Joseph Kahn, nice to know you know who he is." Josh looks irked, and Joanna leaves, blowing the Mayor a kiss before she does so. Justine and Ben are seen in their apartment as the latter says, "Crazy night last night, huh?" Justine can barely hear him; she's too busy picturing the face of Renato Smith, who she met the previous day. "Justine," Ben nudges, and she turns to him, saying "Yeah… sure was." "So… the wedding is really soon now." Again, Justine doesn't listen, simply smiles and nods, dreaming of the handsome stranger. "I just want you to know," her fiancé continues, "I really do love you, Justine." He puts his hand on hers, which suddenly watches her attention. She turns to him, as though seeing him for the first time that morning, and pauses. After a while, she comes out with, "Yes… the wedding is very soon." She walks away. "This is so humiliating, I'm innocent," Joe is heard saying as he sits on the bed of his dingy cell. "So you keep saying," Liz points out, "But, unfortunately, they don't let people out of jail because they say 'I didn't do it'." "Well, what evidence do you even have besides Valentina Cunning's word on the matter?" Joe wonders, to which Liz pulls out a piece of paper, explaining that Val faxed over the emails he allegedly sent her that morning – "It's your address. I remember from the day you arrived," she adds, allowing him to read them. "I never sent any of these," Joe proclaims, "Can't she have just typed these up and printed them out?" "She could have, yes, but right now they're evidence," Liz tells him. "At the party, didn't she also mention photos or something?" Joe asks. "She did, yes, and that's why I'm heading to your apartment now to search for them – if they can't be found then her case is automatically weakened. But I have to be thorough," she tells him. "I don't care if you're thorough or not," Joe says, "I haven't been perving on that bitch." "Alright," Liz says, "Well, I'm gonna go now." She leaves the Sheriff's Station, and Joe continues wallowing in self-pity, however, he then hears footprints entering the station. "Forget something?" he asks Liz, but when he looks up, he sees that it's in fact Joanna Seer. "Oh, I never forget a thing," she says as she approaches his cell, and Joe finds himself standing up. "Nurse Seer… what are you doing here?" he wonders. "Did I ever tell you that I have a legal degree?" Joanna starts, and Joe shakes his head; she continues, "In college, I majored in both law and medicine – I was such a busy girl. Anyway, I'm here to offer you my services as a lawyer." "Really? That's great," Joe says, "Um… what's your fee?" "Oh, I don't have one. This is completely free of charge," she assures him. Joe looks unsure, and asks, "What's the catch?" "No catch," she says, "For you see… I hate the Mayor. Despise him, you might say. And I'm certain beyond certainty that he's the one behind all of this. So, I'm going to help you for free because I know that you walking free will really stick in his craw." "Well, according to the accusations, I stuck it in Val's. But it's all lies. I watched her attack herself last night." "I believe you… and I promise to do my very best to help you out here," she says. "Do you have any credentials or anything?" Joe wonders, to which the nurse replies, "Let's just say this won't be the first time I've helped someone out of a jail cell." Joe smiles, "Well, thank you. For whatever it is you can do for me." She smiles."Oh, I think you'll find I can do an awful lot…" "Mother! Mother, I've done it!" DeviousPeep yells, running into her mother's magic laboratory. However, she is shocked to find BelleLover lying on the floor looking weak; Peep rushes to her aid, asking her mother what happened. "I was… experimenting... with magic… but it went wrong," Belle explains, but Peep doesn't understand. "I'm dying, sweetheart," Belle states, "I don't have much time left." "No, no, mother, you can't die! I'd finally done… I'd found a way to make it back to Earth. So… so you can't go yet! You have to come with me!" Tears stream from the Blood Wiccan's eyes. "Alas," Belle says weakly, "Irony is a cruel mistress." Peep holds her mother's hand and cries. "Well, aren't you going to tell me how?" Belle asks, "Indulge a dying woman." Peep nods and retrieves a scroll from upstairs with her magic, unrolling it and showing it to her mother. "I need a hair from both my mother and my father for it to work. Can… can you tell me who my father is?" Peep requests. "I… don't know much about him… just that he lives in the Wiksteria Lane Wiki…" she coughs blood. "There's a letter… from him… in my night stand." Her voice grows weaker and fainter. She grips her daughter's hand tightly, "Do it, my child… fulfil the legacy." Peep nods as her mother's head falls back and her eyes close; she is dead. "I promise, mother," Peep says, unable to keep her tears in. She proceeds to pluck a hair from the head of her mother's corpse. When it's safely enclosed in a flask, she pokes her mother's belly and the dead body is set alight. Peep cries as she watches her mother burn, and she stands there until there's nothing left but a pile of ash. She keeps the flask of hair on her person as she melts into blood and flows her way upstairs, to BelleLover's bedroom. She opens the drawer to the nightstand and finds the letter from her father. She takes it out, wipes her eyes for tears, and reads. Joanna reads the emails that Val faxed over and, when she's done, she comments, "These are pretty incriminating. One would think you were a rapist after saying… 'I want to… bleep you, you bleepy little… bleep'." "Yes, I'm well aware," Joe tells her, and Joanna gets an idea. "Would you mind if I log onto your email account, just to confirm that you sent these?" she asks, and Joe tells her to go ahead, revealing both his email address and his password. She uses the Sheriff's Station's computer in order to log on, but she soon turns the monitor around, revealing a blank, blue screen. "Is this familiar?" she asks, and Joe's eyes widen, "That's the screen I always get when my online accounts vanish out of the blue." "Interesting…" says Joanna, "So there's no actual email account to speak of… the one in the print outs doesn't exist." She searches it online, "And, by the looks of it, never existed. Well, that must mean the emails on that slip of paper are faked. Oh, dear." Joe smiles, "At last, the internet's rejection of me has come in handy!" "Not to mention me," Joanna adds, and Joe nods, "Yes. Thank you, Nurse Seer." "Please," she says, "Call me Joanna." "Um… thank you, Joanna," he amends himself, and she smiles. Liz knocks on the door to Rena's apartment and he answers. He says he's been expecting her, and she explains she's there to search for the photographs of Valentina Cunning that Joe allegedly took. Rena points out Joe's bedroom, saying that that's probably the best place to start, and Liz thanks him, heading inside. She begins searching through drawers and things, finding nothing, but it doesn't take her long to think to look beneath the mattress, where she finds several photographs of Val as she gets undressed in her bedroom. She flicks through them and sighs sadly. Joanna and Joe are still smiling at the Sheriff's Station when Liz enters with the photos in tow. "Hey, Liz," Joe says, "We have a way to prove that the emails are faked." "What about these?" she wonders, slamming the photographs down on the nearest surface. "These don't mean much," says Jo, picking them up and flicking through them, "If Miss Cunning can fake emails, she can fake photographs too." "I found them under Joe's mattress," Liz points out, to which the nurse says, "Well, that might be a tad harder to disprove. Still, we just need a way of finding out where these photographs really came from." "Time to find out where you came from," DeviousPeep says, holding her father's letter in one hand and a bottle of liquid in the other; she's standing in the vast ghetto that is the Wiksteria Lane Wiki. "A little locator spell ought to do the trick," she says to herself, uncorking the bottle and tipping a small amount of liquid onto the parchment. The letter then begins to levitate, and Peep follows it all the way to the door of a dingy template on a portal corner. She snatches the letter back and stuffs that and the potion into a little pouch on her waistband. She tries opening the door, but it won't budge, so she runs her hand across its surface and it unlocks with a distinctive click; it then swings open with ease and Peep swaggers inside. She looks around the confined space and sees no one inside, sighing and saying to herself that the potion must have been faulty. However, just as she's about to leave, she turns back around and has her attention caught by a red armchair. Everything in the little template is caked with filth, except for that armchair, which is spick and span. Peep approaches it, walking with eerie grace, as she does, and gives it a little poke with her finger. Suddenly, the armchair takes the form of a graying man, who falls flat on his rear. He howls in pain, and Peep smiles. "Nice trick, father. A warlock, I take it?" He stares at her with squinted eyes, "You're the first person I've seen in years, ever since I left the magic gig." He stands up feebly, and then asks, "Did you just address me as 'father'?" "That I did," says Peep, "You're James 1234, am I right? Well, I'm DeviousPeep; I'm BelleLover's daughter. And yours, apparently. Now, hold still, I need to pluck a hair from your grey little head." And with that, she lunges a hand forward, however, James 1234 suddenly disappears, reappearing at the other side of the room. "What do you need my hair for?" he demands, to which she sighs and explains, "I've formulated a spell that should allow me to get to Earth, but, in order to complete it, I need a hair from both my mother and my father." "And where is your mother?" James asks. Peep pauses, before admitting (to him and herself), "She's dead." James looks shocked; desolate, and Peep takes this moment of weakness to pluck a hair from his head. "Thank you," she says, and he looks at her with irritation in his eyes. "May I have a look at this spell of yours?" he asks, and Peep doesn't see why not, taking a rolled-up scroll from betwixt her cleavage and handing it to her father. He unrolls it and reads, laughing to himself. "This won't work," he tells her, and Peep wonders what he means. "In order for this to work, the person being transported needs a great deal of raw magic to reside within them which, sadly, us witches and warlocks do not possess. Feel free to try it, if you like, but it's going to fail." She looks angry and snatches the scroll back. "If there's one thing you need to know about me, father, it's this: I never fail." And with that, she melts into blood. Blood drips from Rena's finger after he accidentally receives a splinter from the bar in The Sword and Hammer. He manages to get it out, proceeding to put his bleeding fingertip to his mouth, when his father emerges and asks his son if he's free this weekend. "Why?" Rena asks, "What's this weekend?" "The Mayor's daughter's wedding," Tiago reminds him, "We've been asked to tend bar again. You in?" "Um… I'm not sure," Rena replies, and Tiago tells him he better make his mind up soon, for there isn't a lot of time left. "No…" Rena utters, "No, there isn't." Rena is seen entering Justine's apartment building ascending the stairs as he mutters to himself all the things he's planning on saying. "Don't get married," he prepares, "I love you." He continues muttering until he finds himself around the corner from Justine's actual apartment. However, the door opens and Ben steps out, and so Rena hides. "And you are excited about the wedding?" Ben is heard asking. Justine rolls her eyes, deciding to humor her fiancé convincingly, telling him, "Yes, Ben. I am very excited to be married to you." From around the corner, Rena hears this, and he walks away, looking crushed. Joanna is seen exiting the Sheriff's Station and removes something from her purse as she goes – the collection of photos that Liz found beneath Joe's mattress. As she holds them, they set alight and begin turning to ash. Joanna smiles casually at the flames. A fire roars in DeviousPeep's magic laboratory and the Blood Wiccan throws her father's hair into the vat of flaming ingredients. She smiles and steps into the circle of magical symbols she carved on the floor in chalk. She grabs her spell book and begins reading, her body covered in more symbols, written in blood, and she smiles as the symbols on both her body and on the floor begin to light up as she continues reading in an unknown language. However, their light soon dulls and nothing happens, and Peep looks utterly disappointed. "No… NO!" she rages, throwing her spell book across the room and putting the fire out with a wave of her hand. "What can I be missing… what can be missing?!" She then begins storming through her bookshelf, looking through all manner of various spells and potions, but she denotes it as all being useless crap. Suddenly, a book falls from the highest shelf and hits Peep on the head on the way down. She looks dazed and confused and picks the book up, reading its subject from the cover. "Viruses?" she says aloud, and begins flicking through. We see various different types, none of which are able to do what Peep wants them to do. Soon, she comes across a series of blank pages, which she realizes must be hidden by magic. She places the book on a nearby surface and places her hand over it, remembering what her mother said about her being more powerful than all her ancestors. She keeps her hand hovered over the book for a long while, and eventually, words fill the blank pages. Peep smiles deviously and begins reading up on the Virus to end all Viruses. She smiles at the effects, liking what she sees, but then reads aloud; "'Disintegrates witches upon contact', great." She throws the book to the floor, but a sudden thought occurs to her. "Although… I could get someone else with magic to enact it…" She picks the book back up and begins reading again. She turns the page. "Ooh, a prophecy," she says, and reads aloud the fact that only the descendant of the two most powerful bloodlines would be able to end the Virus' effects. Her devious smile returns. As does Joanna's as she knocks on the door of Dr. Brad Sonya; he answers. "Hi," she says, "I need a patsy." And with that, her hand glows blue and she taps the therapist's forehead with it. His eyes begin glowing the same color. "Damn it," Liz says in the Sheriff's Station, "I can't find the photos." "Oh, no," says Joe monotonically, "What a travesty." "Well it will be when I'm accused of hiding evidence," Liz points out, but before she can stress further, Dr. Brad Sonya is seen entering the Sheriff's Station. "Dr. Sonya," Liz says, confused, "What are you doing here?" The therapist speaks with no particular expression, and tells the sheriff, "I'm here to make a confession: I am the one who tried to rape Valentina Cunning." "What?!" Liz and Joe both exclaim in unison, and the mind-controlled Brad continues, "It was me who faxed you the fake emails this morning, and it was I who took the photographs of her as she changed. I panicked that they might be found and so I broke into Mr. Kahn's apartment and hid them there. When I heard they had been found, I was worried they could get traced back to me so I sneaked in here and destroyed them." "Wait, I was here the whole—" Joe tries, but Brad continues, "On the night in question, I lured Valentina into a dark room and tried to rape her. Mr. Kahn walked in on us before I could succeed and I climbed out the window. He and Valentina then exited through the same door, so it looked as though he was the culprit, when in fact it was me. I can no longer live with the guilt." Liz is stunned, and turns to Joe, "Is this true?" He looks as though he's about to tell the truth for a second, but then he remembers how much he doesn't want to go to jail, "Yep. It all fits," he says. "Why didn't you tell me?" Liz wonders, and Joe defends himself by saying, "Like Dr. Sonya said, it was dark. I didn't know it was him." "Well… um… okay. Brad Sonya, you're under arrest… I guess." From the hallway, an eavesdropping Joanna smiles. She begins exiting the station, and as she does so, the shot fixes on the fire bell. MaryPierceLopez is seen ringing the palace bells in flashback to announce the fact that Lady Junky is pregnant with Rena Charming's baby. The bells emanate out throughout the Wiki, and everyone is happy with the fact that they're to be gaining a new Administrator. Everyone except Peep, who sits in her laboratory, looking bored. A thought then occurs to her, and the Blood Wiccan gets hard at work. We see her searching through family trees and records, soon coming to the conclusion that both Rena and Lady are descended from the two most powerful bloodlines in history. "This is perfect," she says, "Their baby will be the one to deactivate the Virus and thus allow me to fulfill my legacy… but, he can't do that if he's a victim." She then remembers what her father said about the spell only working if one has enough raw magic inside of them, and she smiles. "I need to start re-gathering my ingredients… and get my hands on that baby." She begins walking with purpose. Joanna walks into her apartment at the end of the day and closes the door behind her, however, almost immediately, someone is heard knocking. Joanna answers to Josh, who looks wrought with anger. "Can I help you?" the nurse asks, and the Mayor replies, "I know what happened and I know you're behind it, you little bitch!" He smacks her across the face and she rubs her red cheek. "Mr. Mayor!" she exclaims, "I don't know what you're—" "Oh, cut the crap, DeviousPeep!" he demands. "What are you talking about?" Joanna demands, and Josh stares at her. "I know you remember… you must remember…" "Remember what?" "And if you don't… perhaps I can jog your memory." He raises his hands and begins trashing her apartment with magic. He moves things around and turns some of her possessions to dust. She pretends to look scared, but he then approaches her with a fireball, threatening to burn her where she stands. Just as he's about to touch down, however, she pushes at the air with her hands and what looks like red lightning surges through the Mayor, causing him to squeal in pain; the fire goes out. "Oh," she says, "It's coming back to me." She clicks her fingers and the red lightning ceases; her and Josh simply stare at one another. "How did you manage to retain your memories?" he wonders. "Your blood," she reminds him, "The blood of the enactor was a key ingredient in the potion I needed to take in order to enter this land with no new identity." "So for 21 years you've been what? Biding your time?" "In a way," she replies. "So… you needed your memories in this new land… and now we both have magic." "I take it that means we'll be staying out of each others' way?" she asks, and Josh nods, telling her, "I'll see you around… Nurse Seer." She smiles and says she's counting on it, and the Mayor proceeds to leave. Joanna looks round at the mess he made of her apartment and sighs, commenting that it will take forever to clean up, but she cares not, and casually makes her way across the wreckage and to the painting on the wall. She removes it and reveals a safe. After entering a certain combination, she opens it and reveals a whole horde of magical items to be inside; amongst which is a small jar containing a thick, black liquid. She takes this out and looks down at it with a smile, saying to herself, "The Bureaucrat may be Evil… but I'm Devious. And Devious is never defeated." Category:Season 1 Category:Episodes Category:DeviousPeep-Centric